President Acts to Stem Oil Prices
PRESIDENT ACTS TO EASE WORLD OIL PRICES: Solves Illegal Immigration in same stroke
(June 30, 2009)
WASHINGTON: In response to the continuing upward trend in world oil prices, which on Tuesday spiked to their highest levels ever at $410 per barrel, President Hillary Clinton announced this morning that the United States last night launched simultaneous nuclear strikes on Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Nigeria, Yemen, Iran, Venezuela, North Korea, Mexico, and Texas. "Why Texas?", one reporter asked.
"Nuking Texas was a miscalculation," she said. "I got some bad advice from Howard Dean. But any time a commodity as necessary to our economy as oil gets to the point where it approaches the price of balsamic vinegar we have to take measures. I've sent my apologies to what's left of the Bush family."
When a reporter asked how the administration intends now to supply the country's petroleum needs, the President said, "As soon as the radiation has been carried away by the wind, our troops will secure the oil fields in those countries and put the pumps back in operation."
Reporters were skeptical, suggesting that it might be many thousands of years before the bombed areas would be habitable.
"That's more propaganda by the vast right-wing conspiracy," the President said. "After conferring with Al Gore, my husband the Secretary of State has assured me that it is junk science. After all, who would know better than Al Gore? To demostrate our confidence, I have asked my husband to travel to one of the blast areas as early as next week and to remain there for a week so that he can send us daily briefings on conditions. I am appointing Monika Lewinski as special representative to accompany him."
On the question of choosing Mexico City as one of the places to be vaporized, the president said,
"The nuclear attack on Mexico wasn't absolutely necessary because we buy only a small percentage of our oil from there, but on the advice of Bill O'Reilly, I went ahead anyway because as Vice President O'Reilly made clear in his news conference yesterday, it automatically solved the illegal immigration problem, which as you know, has been a thorn in his side for a while now."
"And it will not only assure a stable supply of oil but will help preserve ANWR on the North Slope of Alaska because we won't have to drill up there now at all." she added. "And that should ease Senator Kennedy's environmental concerns."