President Acts to Stem Oil Prices

PRESIDENT ACTS TO EASE WORLD OIL PRICES: Solves Illegal Immigration in same stroke
Grey Owl
(June 30, 2009)

WASHINGTON: In response to the continuing upward trend in world oil prices, which on Tuesday spiked to their highest levels ever at $410 per barrel, President Hillary Clinton announced this morning that the United States last night launched simultaneous nuclear strikes on Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Nigeria, Yemen, Iran, Venezuela, North Korea, Mexico, and Texas. "Why Texas?", one reporter asked.

"Nuking Texas was a miscalculation," she said. "I got some bad advice from Howard Dean. But any time a commodity as necessary to our economy as oil gets to the point where it approaches the price of balsamic vinegar we have to take measures. I've sent my apologies to what's left of the Bush family."

When a reporter asked how the administration intends now to supply the country's petroleum needs, the President said, "As soon as the radiation has been carried away by the wind, our troops will secure the oil fields in those countries and put the pumps back in operation."

Reporters were skeptical, suggesting that it might be many thousands of years before the bombed areas would be habitable.
"That's more propaganda by the vast right-wing conspiracy," the President said. "After conferring with Al Gore, my husband the Secretary of State has assured me that it is junk science. After all, who would know better than Al Gore? To demostrate our confidence, I have asked my husband to travel to one of the blast areas as early as next week and to remain there for a week so that he can send us daily briefings on conditions. I am appointing Monika Lewinski as special representative to accompany him."

On the question of choosing Mexico City as one of the places to be vaporized, the president said,
"The nuclear attack on Mexico wasn't absolutely necessary because we buy only a small percentage of our oil from there, but on the advice of Bill O'Reilly, I went ahead anyway because as Vice President O'Reilly made clear in his news conference yesterday, it automatically solved the illegal immigration problem, which as you know, has been a thorn in his side for a while now."

"And it will not only assure a stable supply of oil but will help preserve ANWR on the North Slope of Alaska because we won't have to drill up there now at all." she added. "And that should ease Senator Kennedy's environmental concerns."

MIDDLE EAST UPDATE

RICE CLEARS GAZA HURDLE
Grey Owl
(June 23, 2005)

TEL AVIV - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice Sunday cleared at least one crucial hurdle in the way of Israel's historic withdrawal from Gaza and the northern West Bank.
Looking fetching and quite the athelete in Israeli-made Nikes and a spaghetti-strap taupe and brown tank top over navy running shorts, the Secretary of State cleared the hurdle easily on the first attempt.
"It's my conditioning," she said. Adding, "Like many of my people, I've been running from cops and process-servers for most of my life."

Rice's visit is seen largely as a way to shepherd cooperation between Israelis and Palestinians on disengagement. If successful on the second hurdle, a difficult water hazard, it could create conditions for progress on a broader playing field in the long term.
"Much more work will need to be done in the coming months for the disengagement to succeed," she said at a press conference Sunday at the end of the first event.
"This is a historic step that is being taken. It is not easy, and the next several months ahead of us are complicated and consequential for the future. I'm hoping that Prime Minister Sharon will shed a couple of tons of blubber so that he can more directly participate."

The Prime Minister, who was at lunch when told of Rice's statement, said he would not comment except to say that the Secretary should try the blintzes.

GASTRONOMES GAG ON GAZA

GASTRONOMES GAG ON GAZA: Accusations of "pork" trigger unrest.
Grey Owl
(June 21, 2005)

JERUSALEM -- A rare meeting between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas ended bitterly Tuesday after they failed to reach new agreements on issues related to Sharon's plan to have a cook-out on the Gaza Strip and on measures to rein in line-barging by Palestinian radicals at these events.
"I don't care how hungry they are," the Israeli leader said, chugging down a mug of coffee and 2 blintzes. "They can wait on line just like the rest of us."

Less than two months before the scheduled Israeli barbeque, the leaders clashed over Abbas's efforts to allow such militant groups as Hamas and Islamic Jihad to re-open the very successful Palestinian restaurant, "Great Gaza Goodies to Go" that Palestinians see as key to the future of the local economy after the pullout. Agreement on these issues could have bolstered a four-month-old truce now severely strained by a lack of fresh produce.
Israeli settlers blame Palestinian food co-ops, claiming their buying groups are snapping up all the fresh food before the Jewish settlers can even get to the open-air markets in the morning. "They're up all night strapping shekels on their teen-aged children so it's easy for them to get to the markets before anybody else," one settler charged. "They've become experts at strapping things to their kids," he added. "It puts Jewish settlers at a great disadvantage."

"None of the issues have progressed up to the expectations of the people," Ahmed Qureia, the Palestinian Authority prime minister, said during a news conference in the West Bank city of Ramallah after attending the meeting. "The food that was presented to us was not satisfying at all. It was mostly all bread with only a little meat in the center. And what little there was smelled suspiciously of pork." he added, holding his nose.

Israeli officials said that between snacks, Sharon spoke angrily at times during the talks. Afterward, while scarfing down a large pizza, extra cheese and mushrooms, hold the anchovies, and a large economy-size Diet Coke, he told a hotel industry conference:
"We see many good intentions on the part of the Palestinian Authority, and the food at the 'Four Gs' (as the Gaza eating place is called by locals) is really good. However, unfortunately, at the same time there is no kosher menu."

The summit at Sharon's official residence marked only the second time he and Abbas have met since Abbas was chosen as head of the Palestinian Authority in January. His election following the death of Yasser Arafat, whom Israeli officials accused of fostering unauthorized food buying by terror groups, raised hopes for renewal of a peace process that had been stalled since the September 2000 start of the Palestinian tail-gate parties.

Reporters noted a small refrigerator truck backed against the loading platform at the rear of Sharon's official residence before the start of the meeting. An ABC newsman said that after the meeting broke up, it pulled away and a second truck arrived. Photographers were told by the Prime Minister's mother that photography was "off-limits" but if they were hungry they "should come in and nosh".
"You all look too skinny." she said. "Are any of you still single?"

DEAN DUMPS ON DURBIN

DEAN DUMPS ON DURBAN: News report
Grey Owl

June 17, 2005

In a scathing denouncement today in the White House Rose Garden, Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic Party, denounced Senator Richard Durbin (D-Ill) for what he called, "anti-American hate-mongering". He went on to say that "people like Durbin, Reid, Pelosi, Baldwin, Sheen, Rather, Franken, Matthews, Gore, Byrd, Kerry, (both of them), Streisand, and all those colored people and wet-backs, are at the root of all the problems in this country, and that he wished that Los Angeles would fall off into the Pacific Ocean in one gigantic earthquake. As for his previous condemnations of Republicans, he said, "No comment. I've given up making inflammatory statements."

Chairman Dean, who has himself been recently criticized for saying that he "hates and loathes" Republicans, and also for calling President Bush a "nincompoop, not fit to serve as dog catcher much less any national elective office", has apparently made an abrupt about-face after a lengthy Oval-Office consultation with Bernard Kerik, Bush's one-time candidate for chief of Homeland Security.

Contacted at his ranch in Texas, President Bush said only that he had every confidence that after talking to Mr. Kerik, he was certain "that there was "no dis-assembly" in the report. "Dis-assembly - that means to make something up," he said.
When asked why the discredited Bernard Kerik would be allowed to meet with people in the Oval Office, Bush replied, "It's the People's House. That means it belongs to the American people."

After he left the White House, Howard Dean talked to reporters.
"Tonight I'm heading back home to New Hampshire," he said. "If the Church will have me, I plan to enter the priesthood. Mr Kerik, who is religious himself, was very convincing, and made several references to our Lord during our conversation. And before you ask; no - Mr Kerik was not in any way coercive. The fact that two Sicilian wrestlers were at the meeting had nothing to do with anything. They are friends of Mr Kerik. I wasn't worried at all. Mr Kerik assured me they weren't armed. He told me the White House wouldn't allow it."

New Economic Stats Stir Unrest

New High in Disposable Income Spurs Unrest: Nancy Pelosi
Grey Owl
(2005-06-14)

WASHINGTON--While listening to speeches at Flag Day ceremonies in Washington today, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal) talked to journalists Paula Zahn and Lou Dobbs about what she called the unconscionable growth in disposable income in this country under the Bush Administration.
The Congresswoman cited the tax-reduction policies pushed through Congress during the President's first term as the cause of the severe unbalance. "It's making the whole country nervous," she said. "People are beginning to think that the extra money in their bank accounts actually belongs to them. If Congress doesn't act soon, that money will be squandered away by paying down home mortgages and buying food." she added.
"I only hope in 2008 we can put a Democrat in the White House so we can return to fiscal responsibility. It's too bad that President Carter is too old to run. He was one president who really understood interest rates and debt."

In a related story, ex-President Carter applied for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection for his peanut farm yesterday.
"With all the loose money floating around, nobody is enjoying the simple pleasures - like a bag of peanuts," he said, shaking his head sadly. "That's what comes of putting Oil Barons in the White House."

DEMS DEMAND DIVORCE

DEMS DEMAND DIVORCE: Laura Bush Must Step Down, Senators Scold
Grey Owl
June 15, 2005

NEW YORK--At a Democrat Fund Raiser in New York today, Senators Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Ted Kennedy (D-Ma) demanded that Laura Bush resign her position as First Lady and divorce the President. Senator Schumer told a cheering audience of New York City school teachers that the nation can no longer afford to have people in government who make such obviously irresponsible statements. "Laura Bush has insulted every school teacher in America and embarrassed us with all of our European friends." he said.

The Senator was referring to a talk the first Lady gave to pre-school children and their parents in West Virginia, where she said that, "Children should not depend only on grownups, but instead should read books and study hard in school for success in later life".

Senator Schumer said such statements are an abuse of the First Lady's responsibilities, and are clearly over the line. The Senator said that her inflammatory statements, "make it crystal clear that just stepping down would simply not be good enough. She has not only offended every conscientious school teacher in this country," he said. "She has insulted the late, great Senator from West Virginia, Robert Byrd." (D-W.Va)

"Incendiary statements like this," he went on, "can only hurt Senator Byrd's efforts to earmark the new highway bill to add a badly-needed fifty billion dollars to the West Virginia school budget for fiscal 2006."
The Senator told a cheering crowd that Laura Bush must now distance herself from this administration entirely by divorcing the President and leaving the White House for good.

"It's the only decent thing to do," Senator Kennedy added, finding his way to the microphone. "Laura Bush should go back home to Plains Georgia, where she came from."